Where have I been?

Absenteeism is bad. So I have been a bad blogger. But I have been "creatively" bad. I do a lot of arts and crafts - it's stress release. And I have had a crap-load of stress lately, so I joined up to swap handmade items with people I don't know from across the country. I make something for them and send it; they make something for me and send it. A surprise gift made just for me.

If any of you are interested in the best damn craft website, check them out - Craftster.org. Also send me links to your favorite craft websites, you can never have too many bookmarks.

So I also penned a poem for my swap partners and will include it in all my sends from now on. I'm also sharing it with my blog friends - you.


I’m addicted to “Crackster.org

There, I’ve said it. It’s true.
I’ve got a dependency, and I think you might too!

How else would we meet, in a covert, online fashion?
Than by swapping our “stuff”, our creations, our passion.

I sent in my info. Pursing my lips,
And keep checking back, “Am I on the swap list?”

Within a few minutes, I can hardly believe,
THAT is my name – OK. Now I can breathe!

Then come the partners, I’ll take two please.
The craft room starts buzzing like a full hive of bees.

And I spy and I stalk. I seek every detail.
Likes and dislikes – I’m hot on the trail.

As the stash comes together, I stare at the floor.
Geez, I have enough for 10 people or more.

So the packages are filled, taped, addressed and stamped
And now to go screw with that Post Office Vamp.

It’s perfect on weight! Psst - I’ve made the drop.
Sent is my message, and I give myself props.

So now I worry and fret, “Crap! Did I send enough?
Will she love it, or hate it? Will she think its good stuff?”

Is all of this worth it? Oh yeah, you bet!
I haven’t had a bad partner yet.

I did put off dinner, the laundry, the floors.
Now I’ll admit it, I’m just a craft whore.

Be a Marine, or eat like an overweight recruit trying to be a Marine

Let me explain. There is a diet at the bottom of this post. The ultimate diet for fast weight loss. Recommended by UAB for recruits trying to get into the Marines.

Do I want to be a Marine, you ask?

Yes - just to witness the smorgasbord board of those hot muscular bodies. Isn't this reason enough? I don't even care if they let me touch.

Yes - to travel the world. WITHOUT my kids.

Yes - to have my wardrobe decided on by my superior officer. No more choices unless its the weekend and that may be limited to lounge wear.

But the Marines would never let me in for a multitude of reasons:

I have never been good at conforming or following rules. Don't tell me what to do! I'll let you know what I'm willing to do. And just for shits and giggles, I'll let you know when.

I'm too old, regardless of the physical shape I'm in, when they have to blow the cobwebs off me for morning roll call, we're both gonna be pissed. Which leads to #3 . . .

Holding my tongue and passing audible phrases through a tact filter. I have reached an age where I feel the need to be completely honest. My friends are aware of this, sometimes brutally aware. It still takes my kids by surprise, too. I can only imagine the conversation at 5:30am wake-up "you rip that blanket off me again and I'll shove it so far up your ass it will come out of your nose, hows that for multi-tasking, MF? Two ass wipes in one." Or something clever and witty like that.

So back to the diet

I have used this diet before and it works. I mean it really works for those times when you just need to drop a dress size or two really quick for an event. Or if you get tired of thinking of yourself as "Short and Squatty, all Ass and no Body. Or if you just want to fantasize about hanging with the Marines on a weekend looking all hot and dragging a blanket around!

Three day diet from the cardiac unit of UAB Hospital of Birmingham

Day 1 Breakfast - Black coffee or tea

½ grapefruit

1 slice toast

1 tablespoon peanut butter

Lunch - ½ cup of tuna

1 slice toast or cheese

Black coffee or tea

Dinner - 2 slices any meat (approx 3 oz.)

1 cup string beans

1 cup beets or carrots

1 small apple

1 cup vanilla ice cream

Day 2 Breakfast - Black coffee or tea

1 boiled egg

1 slice toast

½ banana

Lunch - 1 cup cottage cheese or ½ cup of tuna

3 saltine crackers

Dinner - 2 hotdogs

1 cup broccoli or cabbage

½ cup carrots or turnips

1/2 cup vanilla ice cream

Day 3 Breakfast - Black coffee or tea

3 saltine crackers

1 slice cheddar cheese (2 oz.)

1 small apple

Lunch - 1 hard-boiled egg

1 slice toast or cheese

Black coffee or tea

Dinner - 1 cup tuna

1 cup cauliflower or greens

1 cup beets or carrots

1 cup cantaloupe

½ cup vanilla ice cream

This diet works as a chemical breakdown and is proven to work. Do not vary or substitute any of these foods. Salt and pepper may be used but no other seasonings. This diet is to be used 3 days at a time. After 3 days you may eat your usual foods, but don’t overdo it. After 4 days, start back on the 3 day diet. You can lose 10 pounds in 7 days and up to 30 pounds in a month. Only drink water between meals.

I made it through week one, and if I can make it five months, I'll weigh less than my Chihuahua. I'll keep you posted on the weight loss plan as it develops. This week was 8.5 but I cheated and drank some Chardonnay.

Cheers!

Who's getting it in the can?

Rarely do I find an ad so compelling that I post it on Facebook. This online-only ad made my morning. And then I realized, I too have gotten it in the can. And I liked it!

See if you don't crack a smile and then wonder who you know that might be getting it in the can.

I hope soon to gain some knowledge or learn to link videos in the next few days. Until then, please bear with my links.

Been in contact with a Flu or Strep victim lately?

I have. They seem to be stalking me.

Here is a series of events which occurred over the past 10 days.

Friday, August 28 - When arriving at work, I was accosted by a co-worker who pulled in at the same time as me. Not really fond of this person, (only woman I know sporting a mullet) I took my time, fumbling around trying to give her time to get across the parking lot.

She waits.

And she waits.

When I finally open the car door four long minutes later, her face is in the crack between the door and car roof telling me about her spouse, who visited Doc-in-the-Box at 6:30am and was diagnosed with the FLU. But she tells me "it's okay because I ain't got it." (imagine Joe Dirt's daddy redneck voice)

My loud, very audible response: "Get the hell away from me! (think stern, annoyed, bitchy voice) as I walk towards the door. (Made mental note to report self to HR for swearing at co-worker)

I walk fast, she keeps up.

I slow down, she slows down. (Are you kidding me!!! Did you not hear me??? Idiot!!!)

We reach the door and go our separate ways, where I find solace alone in my office with a tub of Germ X wipes.

Skip to past week of Aug. 31 - Sep. 4

FLU spouse is no where to be seen. Wonder why?

Friday, September 4 - In the afternoon while in my office, which I share with no one, in walks another co-worker and her kids ages 2 and 4. They play with my stress relieving toys while mommy dearest gets some t-shirts for an event. I jokingly ask if they are new hires.

No, they have been at the Doc all day. They both have STREP.

My loud, very audible response: You gotta be kidding me! (again, think stern, annoyed, bitchy voice)

"But they aren't contagious unless you have a lot of contact with them."

Excuse me - you STREP-germ carrying family unit - you are IN MY SPACE!

Little bit of back history about me - I'm the only mother I know of who successfully contained strep to 1 kid out of 3 several times during the past 18 years.

This one caused a formal complaint to be lodged with HR.

Yesterday, September 5 - Went with a friend to lunch and then antique/thrift store shopping. At this huge indoor Flea market, who brushes past me to announce her presence - oh yes, my FLU-spouse-turned-FLU-catcher stalker. And then it seemed like she was stalking me around this huge Flea market. Right up to the check out. Freak!

My stance on this issue, not just now with flu season and swine flu, but every day is this:

If your kids are too sick to go to school or go to day care, don't take them to work with you. If someone in your family has the FLU or STREP - don't try to get in other peoples faces and share the wealth. If you need something from work, CALL me. I'll drop it off at the front desk in the lobby for your convenience and our health.

I don't want to waste my days off recouping from your stupidity and lack of good judgement. Just thinking about this makes my throat hurt, and I don't need time off that bad.

By the way, I still have all my sick days left!

Some things never change

Ex-Husbands - What makes them think, 4 years after divorce, you want to travel down that road with them again?